More often than not, I tend to feel ugly. Is this a standard feeling in girls? Women? People nowadays, or is it just me?
I’ve never been the prettiest and for the vast majority of my life I’ve been the bigger girl. The one overlooked and joked about. I even joked about it too – probably didn’t help matters, but… meh. I’ve had people (okay, by people I mean men) look at my sister and then see me and recoil – yes, this actually happened, we were taking photos together on a cruise, and he was a photographer who worked for Disney – I’ve also had Uber drivers tell me ‘I have a big body to warm’ when I’m waiting for them in the cold – see post here. So as confident as I am, I would say it has ever been to do with the way that I look, despite being the first to feign comedic arrogance about how amazing I am, with my closest friends – secret… I’m not.
I was in my gym yesterday and I really picked up and noticed the amount of beautiful women that go to my gym. They have gorgeously curvy figures, fabulous hair and skin and turn heads – they really do. What’s that like? Y’all gotta know you’re pretty, right? So yeah, I’m slightly envious, and I’m also mad at myself for being so, too.
Most of the time, I’m one to overlook my lack of looks, but recently it’s been nagging and bothering me. It could be the move (yes, I am no longer a mindlessly rambling Londoner – well I am by heart, just not location), I’m a bit all over the place, and perhaps I need a little consistency and structure to help. My diet is as consistent as can be – I’m prepping for my stays in London, carb cycling, so that I don’t have carbs on non-training days, have gone back to my initial diet plan which I used to lose weight in the first place, and hopefully this will end up helping the attitude towards the ugly. Unfortunately, I can’t get back into sessions with my trainer because he’s fully booked and I’m not in London regularly enough to get a session in which could also help. Having someone work with you on what your goals are is a real motivator.
As a child, I thought I was a duckling. You know the ugly and quirky kind that all teen movies told me that I was. The outcast, or geek who, when given a pretty dress would transform into the swan she always was and be the hidden beauty that amazed everyone. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I’m still that clumsy kind of attractive. It’s just a little bit odd. My nose is too big and bent, I have baby teeth that never fell out and that are still going strong, I have rolls in my tummy when I sit down, and not the cute little kind, the ‘I love food kind’, I have acne scars and to top it all off, I am clumsy. So very clumsy. I fall over all the time, I lose balance frequently and drop weights and all sorts on me. I mean I’m funny, so that counts, right?
Don’t get me wrong, people have told me I look amazing, but that’s not to do with beauty, but everything to do with size, and this is what we so often focus on. Beauty is good, ugly is bad. Thin is good, fat is bad. Curvy is now good, but only if you have curves in the right places – your bum – not love handles or naturally placed cellulite on a woman who was designed by nature to rear babies. It doesn’t help when I am in the gym comparing myself to the sea of beautifully attractive women my age that turn heads as they walk the floor and wear really pretty leggings with the mesh panelling all the way up the leg, I mean I really want a pair, or the ones that wear the crop tops and have a flat stomach – I wear the crop tops and still have a tummy. Or when I scroll through social media checking out the tautness of girls’ stomachs and toned bums, thighs and arms – I want these and no matter how hard I work or how well I eat, it feels as though genetics simply won’t make me look like that.
I’m quirky, in looks and personality. I have features that are just weird and hair that doesn’t behave and that doesn’t follow what society deems sexy and attractive – its short, and when it’s curly, it’s all over the place. My personality is odd. I like the most bizarre things, laugh at the most inappropriate times and most men can’t decide if I’m worth dating or if I’m only good enough for a friend because of my ‘easy personality’ – the mate / bro / dude kind. Most days I’m totally okay with it. When I look at myself in the mirror, I’m not picking on every single imperfection, I simply look at myself, accept that it is what it is, hold my head up and get on with my life. I have good friends, a great family, a job I love and pastimes such as this, that keep me going.
Fundamentally, there is so much more to me than the ugly or the quirky. If anyone else feels this too, there is so much more to life than beauty, in fact everything about life, the adventures, the new people you meet, the food we create, the delights of nature and a thrilling sunset, betting other people’s lives, kindness and above all, cake.