The Fault in My Stars

When counting up the letters I have written, after this one it will be a total of three. Three real letters. One I will never send, the second, of a love to all those that have lost it, and this – the third and final letter – one of my faults. One which may – however narcissistically it may seem – explain. Explain to you my actions, and the issues that need some work…

I love. I love incredibly quickly, and so very deeply too. I feel things far more strongly than I should. I see good where others don’t see it, intelligence and kindness where they don’t believe it, and will always fight in the corners of the people I love, despite any wrongdoing – whether it be mine, or theirs. However, being in possession of a razor-sharp tongue and a selfish nature, I sometimes hurt the people I love most. I hurt you once. I didn’t realise I had until I was made to see it from another perspective. I believed that it was anger, but it’s hurt, a hurt I so desperately wish to heal, but am unsure yet of just how to do so. Time. This may help to heal us both, or break us apart entirely. Which this will be, I don’t yet know – what I pray for, is the former and most wholeheartedly not the latter. For a loss that great would be a tragedy, and a break I may never be able to repair.

My sarcasm precedes me. Something a true and dear friend of mine almost always describes as the ‘lowest form of wit’. I am learning to curb it. With me, when I am truly comfortable, I will emit sarcasm without even thinking. I typically aim for this dry sense of humour to lift or lighten a situation, without sometimes sensing the air or appropriateness of the time. For this, I am sorry, but know it’s never been emitted maliciously, only with the intention of making a person laugh or smile to make them feel better. Humour and laughter are the best medicine for a bad situation, except sometimes an ear is better.

I push those that I love. You see, I see a potential in you to be the absolute best. I am in no competition with you or any other person I care for, for we are differing souls with individual dreams, goals, fears and aspirations and I only ever wish to see you happy and succeed, whether I am in the picture or not. My pushiness may sometimes come across as annoying, constant, needy or obsessive, randomly musing on what I may be able to do to help, or dropping in to see if you need a hand. I do not seek out to be, but if I can lighten your load in any way, and support you, I will, no matter when you call.

I strive for clarity and understanding. Something that makes it easy for me to navigate. This may seem controlling, but I fear being backed into a corner, one no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to break away from. Sometimes to gain clarity and understanding, I cut people off or shut them out. While this may not be wise, and can at times ruin a great thing, it allows me to balance and decipher a solution I cannot yet see. I am comfortable alone, and am unused to people outside of my mum and dad, caring. Yet I fear that this comfort and consistency in being alone is going to ruin anything incredible that may have come along once before or may do, once again.

I only wish to make people happy and more comfortable in whatever it may be. For I am acutely aware of how it feels to be sad, and as though you never really fit. I am a square peg aiming for a round hole that we all know as life, but if my experience and knowledge and any form of care and compassion that bleeds within these veins, can help another, then I will move heaven and earth to ensure I can. I do not have money, and cannot give you the superficial notions of caring. I cannot afford luxuries of watches and miles for an escape to the fondest of lands, but I can open my arms, and offer a shoulder, an ear, and silence to think with a companion, should that ever be something you need.

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