Internet dating: Making You A Mermaid With A Great Humerus Apparently…

So it’s been a little quiet on the dating front recently, so as any ‘normal’ – a term I use loosely, cause I am anything but – 21st century twenty-something Londoner, I thought it wise to once again get back into online dating. Dabbling as ever, I re-downloaded Tinder and thought I’d also switch it up a bit, and give Ok Cupid a go too.

For those Uber-cool people who don’t have a problem finding dates and aren’t in the know, Ok Cupid is another dating app, similar to Tinder with respect to swiping left or right on people’s profiles. The app also allows anyone to send you a direct message. And unsurprisingly, people send a lot of messages.

So this is where it gets interesting. Tinder. The ‘dating’ app – read that as hook-up app – that we all know and love can be somewhat direct. Then I think those involved in this world have just come to expect this. It’s synonymous with sex nowadays rather than looking for anything more. There are a few on there who think differently – not many, but some – but mostly its about hooking up. Although as much as we know this, is it just me who thinks that when you want to get a girl into bed, you should at least try to woo her.. and that doesn’t mean with a GIPHY… please see example below.
I mean the heart flashed and the hands moved to… you get what i mean… Guys. Not cool. I mean funny, but it’s not gonna win you brownie points or even a message back. If it does, then girls, you may need to reevaluate your general vaginal exposure levels… Like I’ve had the standard ‘dick pic’ and the ‘I’m horny come over’ message, but a GIPHY is a new one. Like to me, its lazy. At least try and type something… Also I question how many girls he’s sent that to… and how many would actually entertain it…

Ok Cupid is somewhat different. Possibly, I think, more crazy. But I mean, at least the guys on here use words rather than just images. As chat up lines go, or introductory messages come, I mean I have had some great ones this week. Hundreds. I’ve had standard ‘hey’s’ and ‘hello sexy, beautiful, enter aesthetic adjective here, but some of them are really very entertaining. The scariest part of it all, is with the nut job messages, according to the app, the match percentage between these people and I are scarily high. I mean scarily high… like we are talking in the 70s here at least…

So among the messages, I’ve been called a mermaid. This was my favourite. ‘A wise man once told me that there were plenty of fish in the sea, he did not, however, disclose the fact that there was a mermaid’. I’ll let that just sit with you… Had a song written for me and was told that he could be my tall, dark and handsome night in shining armour, been informed that you can’t spell life without lie (i didn’t understand this, and this match was like 92%), ignored a guy and then been told I have a great booty – he and I only had a 57% chance, how sad – and been told that I’m like a cute baby tiger and if I like chicken, to smoke and drink, would he be able to take me to dinner. Upon responding that I was a vegan, I don’t smoke and I only drink water because my body is a temple, his reply was, so is that a yes if you’re care free? The temple of my soul… Oh i was also told i have a ‘really photogenic trochleas and capitulums’ – i had to google this, cause I legit did not have a clue what the dude was saying… I recommend that you do the same, assuming you don’t understand, of course.

The messages keep coming, and I’m left – other than being massively entertained – really, I think this is the most fun I’ve had internet dating – wondering, do these lines actually work? I mean there is no denying that these messages are the ones that stick out in your mind, but do people have success with these? Girls, are you responding? If so, what are you saying? My responses – if any – tend to be extremely sarcastic, which well explains why I am single, but do they get you talking?

I also worry a little about myself. These are the people that I have the highest match percentage with. Like what does this mean?! We all know I’m mental, but not straight up weird, surely?! Oh well, whatever it may be, it’s entertaining, for both you and I.

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