I have a tendency to crush, like all the time. Seriously. It’s become a bit of a problem…
You see, I’ve never had a proper relationship. You know, the long-term kind. The falling in love kind. I’ve done casual dating, and online dating, but it’s never actually amounted to anything long-term. There is a point to this though, which directly relates to what this post is about.
My great inexperience of anything real, I think, has resulted in this. I crush. Like all the time. Like seriously. Okay, perhaps not all the time, but typically in the past, when I’ve gotten to know someone, I’ve crushed. Far more so if I were to find you physically attractive – which would be lust.
The thing is, is that I like people. I like to discover who they are. Their values, opinions, personalities, sense of humour. I do this with people I vibe with. With men, I tended to then develop a schoolgirl crush. Not with everyone, but a few… I recall university being particularly entertaining for my best friends. I mean I practically had a new crush every week! The thing is, I’m almost positive they all knew. I’d befriend them, and we’d become close. We’d share stories, opinions, emotions, we’d bicker over various different things – whether this be over coffee during the day, or at 3am as we were walking home after another drunken night out. It does open up the question of whether a boy and a girl can be close friends without it developing into something more, by either party. However, this is neither a question I can or want to answer right at this point in time. I think it also leads me to look at it like this – have I ever really observed these situations objectively?
I enjoy getting to know people, as I have said before. Now I do the above with girls as much as guys. I just don’t crush on the girls because I’m not attracted to women. When we become friends with other people, we begin to care. We treat them with kindness, we develop an interest in their lives and want to know more. That’s what friendship is essentially. So I think this impartiality is what I lacked when it came to forming friendships with guys. I thought up an attraction rather than taking it at face value, only to become disappointed when I wasn’t the girl chosen. Or not fully understanding that, just because I was the girl they chose to share stuff with, didn’t necessarily mean they harboured feelings towards me. In my experience, with a man, the attraction for them has typically always been physical. If the physical attraction hasn’t been there, then no matter how strong a mental connection was, nothing came of it. Contrastingly with women, a man becomes far more physically appealing the more she gets to know him. Well this is the case with me anyway, I’ve always been heavily criticised for my taste in men.
I also believe that this lack of neutrality is a key reason that nothing has yet worked out. Well this, and the fact I either didn’t like them enough, or they didn’t like me enough. But hear my point. When I like someone, I see only them, and while I flirt with others, because I am single and know that is what I should be doing, I will always find fault. Because at the time they aren’t who I really want at all, even if they had the potential to be entirely perfect for me.
So I’ve learnt to take things far more subjectively now, than I have done in the past. Much like ‘He’s just not that into you’ says, “If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.” – while this does not wholly apply to me, the point still stands. If I have to question it, it’s not real. When it is real, you know… Right?!